I'm a weirdo

I have been shy my entire life.  About a year and a half ago I realized how lonely I was because I didn't have any friends...

I made a goal - I was going to do everything I could to get over my shyness.  I was going to go to RS activities, I was going to invite people over more often, I was going to sit with people instead of waiting for people to sit with me, I was going to try and strike a conversation instead of waiting for someone to come and talk to me, I was going to make friends!

It's been a long year.  I've made a few good friends.  I found a friend I can tell almost anything to, and I found a few friends who I'm not afraid call because I want to do something (hey! Wanna hang out?).  Really....this comes out to 2-3 people. 

I've met a lot of people.  We exchange a friendly "hey, how are you?" as we pass eachother in the halls, but everytime I try and talk to them I feel like the most awkward person in the world.  I get the impression that they wish I never approached them in the first place and that they really don't want to have anything to do with me.

We've had A LOT of new people move in to the area.  I was like "this is great!  Lots of new people to meet!"

In the last week, I approached as many new people as I could (not at the same time).  I started talking to them and it was really weird because they wouldn't look at me when I was talking to them, and the second they saw someone they knew, t hey just walked away.  I'd say hi and they'd smile and turn their heads.  I'd sit with them and they'd get up and leave - then I'd sit with someone else and they wouldn't say anything to me....

Is there something wrong with me?  Am I a huge jerk or something and don't even realize it?  Do I smell bad?  Am I just so ridiculously awkward to talk to because I don't know how to socialize after being shy for 23 years?  I don't get it. 

Making friends is really hard - and really depressing sometimes. 

At first I am so proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone, then the next second I'm wondering why I even bother in the first place because it's actually hurting my self-esteem.

I've even thought, "well, at least my visiting teachers have to be my friends" but guess what, I haven't been visit taught in about 2 years :-/ 

I think I'm just down because this last year has been one of the hardest years I've ever experienced.  You always hear about how everyone needs their own support system for times like these, and I have found one friend who has been very supportive and helpful, but I always worry that I'm laying too much on her and that I spend too much time whining about life than having fun because I get so excited that I have someone to talk to about those things I can't just tell anyone. 

Anyway, I realize I just sound like a whiney baby right now so I will stop.

I'm extremely grateful for the friends and family I do have that are there for me.  I think I'd be totally lost with out all of the love and support that they give me.